As I woke up this morning a few choice
swear words went through my mind before I started laughing – I could
barely move. Again. My hands were swollen, my muscles from head to
toe were sore and in pain. I'm getting more used to it now, as much
as you can get used to that sort of thing, but its taken awhile.
There's one morning soon after being
diagnosed with MCTD that's still vivid in my mind. I felt a lot like
I did this morning, but I wasn't used to it yet and didn't know how
to deal with it. It was yet another morning of pain and sure to be
yet another day of pain. Pain consumed my thoughts and I was becoming
increasingly depressed by it. I felt like I was close to a breaking point -
I couldn't live like this. The thought of suicide came to mind. I
can't remember ever having that idea come to mind before or since,
but at that moment it was there. It was a real consideration. It
scared me.
I needed to do something to deal with
the depression that was getting worse. I needed to do something to
get my mind off the constant pain. I started brainstorming about what
made me happy. Not just oh that's fun but actual joy. The answer I
settled on was service. I eventually ended up volunteering with a
group on campus that I was also now a registered member of – the
University Accessibility Center. I learned about them from my college
counselor who made me register. For good or bad I never used any of
their services, but I did learn they needed volunteer note takers. I
decided I could do that...despite the fact that I had lost a ton of
hand strength and mobility and writing was physically difficult for
me at the time...
My first assignment was to help a blind
student take a test. Perfect! All I had to do was read him the
questions and fill in the answer he gave. Very little writing and the
dude was blind so he'd have no idea I was struggling to move the
pencil! It was foolish in my current physical state to volunteer as a
note taker, but it turned out to be a great decision. He could sort
of see large objects in a shadowy form, but for most intents and
purposes he was totally blind. He was also graduating from the
business program at the top of his class and had a good job lined up
for when he graduated. It was incredibly inspiring and gave me a
feeling of hope that I desperately needed at that time. It also got
my mind off my own problems and pain for a little while.
I continued volunteering as a note
taker for two more semesters after that, each person I helped had
such an incredible story it made my problems seem insignificant. The
acts of serving also helped me feel better about myself and focus
less on the pain surrounding me.
For the most part now the medication I
take and regular exercise keeps my chronic pain minimal. I do still
have flare ups like I've been dealing with the past couple weeks
where the intensity of the pain increases significantly. Service is
still one of the coping mechanisms I use to help deal with it. If I
volunteer to do something for you, please let me do it. More likely
than not I'm doing it because I need the distraction and it makes me
happy. I'm really doing it for me, not you. I mean I'm nice...but I'm
not THAT nice!
