Sunday, January 15, 2012

Taking Back Control

It was eight years ago on a trip to Idaho that my MCTD symptoms began to manifest themselves in full. That weekend marked the beginning of a change in the way I lived my life. Its a scary thing to go from being a fully able bodied person to someone who can't close their hand into a fist, hardly hold a pencil and write, or get up off the floor. I feel like I've always been a fearful person and a sudden chronic illness certainly doesn't inspire confidence for the future.

Next weekend there is a snowbike ride in Idaho, West-N-Back. The ride begins near Island Park, ID and follows snowmobile trails to West Yellowstone, MT then turns around and heads back. I'm going to do the West part, not the back...this year... Its just a small group of people on a friendly ride, but as I seriously contemplated attempting it and then committed to ride the 'West' part my attitude toward the ride began to change a bit. Dealing with chronic soreness, pain, fatigue and all the other goodies that come with MCTD or other chronic illnesses is not easy. The struggle is something that has occupied a lot of my thoughts and time over the past eight years. In the last few months some things have finally started coming together for me and my coping skills have improved pretty dramatically. I have a renewed confidence that although I don't know what the future holds for me, there are potentially some pretty bad things that could go wrong with my body, I'll be able to deal with it. This past year I've learned a lot about embracing pain and fatigue and working through it instead of trying to avoid or fight it. To my surprise I've found that I'm pretty damn good at it. It also opens the door to some great experiences. With this newly discovered ability and with the timing of the snow bike ride so close to my anniversary I've decided to turn this into something personal. I'm going back to Idaho. I'm going to enter an event that is pretty much guaranteed to be difficult and tiring. I'm going to embrace the struggle and fatigue. I'm going to enjoy the moment and the beautiful surroundings. A trip to Idaho is again going to mark the beginning of a change in the way I live my life.

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